“The Death of Us”
“Weep, grieve and mourn, the death of us, what we had and knew…”
Thich Nhat Hanh the Vietnamese Zen master wrote:
“The moment loves stops growing, it begins to die. It’s like a tree; if a tree stops growing, it begins to die.”
DEATH — the sudden end of my domestic partnership in May 2019, which was once like a thriving tree, stopped growing and died, and was the inspiration for the album “The Death of Us.”
The six songs wrote themselves as I was a porous filter which could barely process the gush of emotions and accelerated stages of grief. The end was terminal despite the lack of closure, and we have not spoken or met again since that month — and not likely to cross paths again in this lifetime.
My first songwriting instructor Phil Swann said to our class of aspiring composers in 2008 that the ideal time to create is when in a state of sadness. “Don’t write when you’re happy. When life sucks, the best art is made!”
Though the lyrics came quickly after the relationship unraveled, with the onset of the global pandemic it took over a year for the album to be realized. My longtime musical collaborator Juan Andres Lizarazo (Juanlizh) based in Bogota, recorded the instrumentals with musicians in Colombia under the guidance of our producers Federico Perez and Sergio Martinez. Meanwhile, I searched for singers to express the songs while social distancing at Hay Loft Studios in Los Angeles: the flamboyant Boogiewhip, soulful Diego Garcia and talented artists Shalini Varghese and Gabe Kubana who sang the title track. With studios closures and pandemic delays, the album was finally released on June 30, 2021, under our project known as When Planets Align by Planet LA Records.
I am a businessperson by profession, but an artist by passion and when provoked. The immediate aftermath of the dissolution left me numb with a distraught mind searching for answers, and overly analytical as I dissected the tender limbs of what was recently blooming. It was the first openly gay relationship I shared on Facebook; our Chinese Zodiac signs the fire dragon and water rat were supposed to be a steamy “Cosmic 10”; the double-booked family gatherings during Thanksgiving and Christmas; New Year’s Eve celebration in Paris and the start of 2019 in London; the premiere of my last album “Lovers and Angels” in the company of his hero, Olympic diver and gay icon Greg Louganis; quiet evenings alone and Coachella parties with friends; then it was soon over after an awkward lunch with his family on Mother’s Day.
On the final night, I left his place in Santa Monica after a difficult talk lasting until 4am and kept driving south on a deserted 405 Freeway until I stopped at a Norm’s 24-hour restaurant on Beach Boulevard. There, I tried to stem a vulnerable wound, and “Stepping Stone” emerged along with the sunrise and the unlimited refills of my empty cup of tea:
“Wise professors tried to learn and teach, true love we thought was real in reach
Lust, betrayal, self-inflicted wounds, trust, romance, did we peak too soon?
Pain is dreadful though we may still try, to extract rare beauty from tears we’ve cried
Devotion is hard, but not a reason to hide, from love’s embrace, when honest hearts confide
Is this the best chance we have ever known? Or is this just a stepping stone?
Still a chance or hope we can learn and grow? Or is this just a stepping stone?”
In the following days, I was alternating between shock and denial and suggested we should try again and seek professional help. Would there still be another chance? Or maybe this was truly a “stepping stone” in a murky path and there was no looking back.
I could still feel the torn roots grasping for nourishment in my fertile mind. I really wanted to return to that soothing, sublime space. Then “Redemption” arose:
“After four seasons of spring, growth cycles did bring
Passion and sorrow’s swing, the thrust of close things
Your professed flaws, strength and weakness I saw
I still embrace these faults, virtues and all
When is over, not over? Start or end, on the mend?
What brings us, back to us? Lovers’ dreams, be redeemed”
But there would be no redo. The trunk was splintered and no amount of rational or delusional thinking could bring what we had back upright.
A few blocks away from his place and days later, I attended my class reunion with UCLA Anderson alumni and asked my good friend Christina to join. She told me I dodged a bullet and that we should just enjoy the party. When we arrived, we discarded his badge. Though, I had to deal with plenty of questions and pity: “where’s…? what happened?” “I’m so sorry!”
The anger from that moment and aborted plans ahead resulted in “Validation”:
“We planned to celebrate at Casa del Mar, your name tag’s here, you live not far
Pained to explain, there’s an empty seat, feigned my smile, with each meet and greet
I used to know where you were and when, but tonight and tomorrow, should I still again?
Our plans, reality now shattered by impulse, you said, without warning, we’ve run our course
Had thought we were fine, not perfect, but still great
You have demons to deal with, shallow needs to validate
Were you ready for passion, love or really want to date?
Be fulfilled, know yourself, a real life to validate?”
I began to question what had seemed so sure, analyzing further what might have gone wrong. The second guessing continued as I realized and composed “Something Just Wasn’t There”:
“Awake in a nightmare, no dreaming in REM
The walls were closing, closed in by 4:00 AM
No us to get back to, you said time over, departed
The us we knew had ended, I left broken hearted
Dylan sang Blood on the Tracks
Emotions Tangled Up in Blue
Once it’s voiced, no turning back
Hope and despair, bleak and true
Art, affection, soothes the dread
Truth’s bitter, all was said
You told me something, wasn’t there
The there there, just wasn’t there
The sum of parts, was much greater than us
That something we had, now gone, between you and me”
My friend Verena suggested to me to “Be like Buddha and meditate.” Like saṃsāra, the Sanskrit word and spiritual concept of rebirth and redeath, life can be turbulent given the cycles of aimless wandering as depicted by ancient Hindu and Buddhist philosophies. Though, there is hope for salvation as humans can end this cycle of suffering through self-knowledge and awareness through meditation and good karma, and ultimately attain Nirvana.
My friend Christophe an international business coach who realized he had a gift for energy healing, advised me to deepen my yoga practice and accept what is in order to move on. He cautioned that grasping on to what was no longer would undermine my foundation. In the months ahead, I joined Christophe and other wonderful souls on a spiritual retreat in Moab, Utah that led me on a journey to peace. I also took his advice about yoga and have since become a Yoga Alliance certified instructor after completing my teacher training in 2020.
In the immediate fallout that summer, I sought the comfort of family and friends in familiar places. I returned to my childhood home in Longview, Washington where my family first settled as political refugees after the end of the Vietnam War in 1975, for a family graduation, then went to Washington DC where I started my career in international trade policy. I then traveled to my favorite city, New York City for the World Pride and Stonewall 50th Anniversary celebration in June 2019 and was there for a surprise appearance by Lady Gaga and Alicia Keys in Christopher Park, now the Stonewall National Monument. How appropriate to see Lady Gaga as “Shallow” was our song, but no matter as I was in an “Empire State of Mind” and sang along with Alicia and thousands of gay revelers and allies. I was squeezed together with strangers who have since become friends on the stoop at 55 Christopher Street next to the Stonewall Inn where the gay liberation movement began fifty years ago with the Stonewall riots. The other side of the rainbow took me to the rainbow state of Hawaii to visit close friends the following week for the 4th of July holiday.
I was blessed to have such an incredible support network, embraced my newfound pride, but still quite sad and single again. Upon returning home in July 2019, I received the dissolution papers with brief instructions he wrote on a post-it note to submit the signed paperwork. I also received a box with some of my shirts, a travel-themed photo album which was a Christmas present and other belongings, as he did not want to meet again. I fell into mourning, and went to a UPS location to honor the final request. Adele’s song “Hello” played in the background while I waited for the notary to countersign the documents. Thank you, Adele for the soaring sympathy.
Speaking of breakup songs, the title track “The Death of Us” epitomized my sorrow:
“We moved quickly, perhaps too fast for our own good
By spring we were bound, lawful promises signed
Eager for a new life, home and neighborhood
Then anxiety struck, we regressed, fell behind
Did we surely know? It felt so ideal
But so devalued, as it became real
Rip, tear and torn
Was it just a piece of paper to you?
Weep, grieve and mourn
The death of us, what we had and knew…”
After experiencing shock and denial, anger and sorrow, grief and mourning, ultimately acceptance arrived. From the broken branches, fallen leaves and scattered seeds came much personal growth. I am now living a more honest and content existence, and not bound by the expectations of others or society. My happiness and validation are rooted in however I can be helpful to the community I am connected with, and through the life lessons I can impart as a teacher.
I have no regrets that this meaningful relationship is over. It took me further on a path towards liberation by letting go of him and who I thought I was, and this death was cathartic and brought to life “The Death of Us.” I am grateful that he was a muse and perhaps “My Greatest Muse”:
“Emotions in the ether, words from the thin air
Come to me, come to me with clarity, create a lyric there, this epic fantasy
Compose, sing and record, before pleasure fades
Fleeting, fleeting memories, unraveling gains we made, this epic fantasy
Daughters of Zeus, from Olympus above
Pity this sad poet, fable of forlorn love
Immortalize stories, classic and pure
Passion may end, inspiration endures
Sing Euterpe, songs sweet and great
Cruel Melpomene, tragic fate awaits
You were my greatest muse
Sparked my mind, inspired anew
You have been my greatest muse
Inflamed my heart, unleashed the truth.”
May we all find our muse or muses to inspire us to write songs, sing and dance and feel more alive in this amazing odyssey of life. Pleasure fades as death is certain. But Death allows us to celebrate a life well-lived, be transformed and carry forth the legacy of love.
I will conclude with Buddha’s wisdom:
“In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
